....Sometimes, we need to shed some light in to the dark

Great news! 
The vanishing blog has returned.  Perhaps, it too needed to go on vacation. Maybe a little beach trip, to relax under a giant umbrella, and dip its toes into the salty ocean waters. Do blogs have toes? Regardless, it was a nice little surprise to see it sitting there as if it was I who had blundered and merely overlooked it. 


Lately, I feel, that this has been the case for oh-so-many things on this end. The overlooking of details that are right in front of me. Sometimes it takes the pointing out from another before we are able to see the obvious (or maybe the not so obvious). And lately, this is exactly what I have been experiencing. 

March has certainly been a month of learning to give back. Today, in particular, came great enlightenment in the form of a work review.  Ah reviews! Many things came into fruition from a 2 hour conversation. First, what I have come to appreciate, is the Outward Bound community and their commitment to open dialogue and feedback in a timely manner. Yes, it is true, outside of that OB community, this concept, pretty much falters into dust.  If I ever had any question as to what this means, today, I learnt. As I sat down with my manager, I heard for the first time since I began working at the restaurant, that my performance was mediocre, I wasn't quite doing my job properly, and that I walked very slow. I have to laugh at this, as not one person I work with have said that I am slow!  This doesn't perturb me at all, rather it fascinates my curiosity. Mostly, because I feel like I am rushing about the restaurant like a mad lady. (though granted, I must put in here, that I do know that I have my own pace about things. I think if I were ever to get a trail name, I maybe would find myself dubbed 'Turtle'.)  Oh! How I wish I was able to step outside of myself and see/understand from a different perspective. And then I wonder, why it is that no one could tell me this, as this could have been remedied in an instant. Five months later, and perhaps to the great frustration of many of my co-workers I am at last told.  How slow, I wonder, could I possibly be going and what am I being compared to?  As for my mediocre performance, this was a shock and made me feel pretty low.  I definitely took this aspect to heart, as for everything I do, I do with great heart and dedication.  Though the motions are now being put into place to re-train me on my jobs, I feel frustrated that it is only now that this information is being relayed to me! Right? If I am not doing my job correctly, why wait so long? Wouldn't it be more practical to voice up if there's an issue, such as not meeting expectations? That seems pretty important. Sigh. This was definitely a low moment for my week, but with every grey cloud there is a silver lining. This lining is to improve, and walk away from my job at the end of April, knowing that I did all I could to step up and excel. I am not okay with being titled 'mediocre'.  In all truth, this has been a monumental lesson in a roundabout way. I, too, tend to err on not speaking up. But after today and my great musings of this review, I have come to understand the importance of being courageous and shall begin to walk the talk.  Sure constructive feedback is hard to give, but how are any of us going to improve if we never know? So, today, I begin to give back. I begin to speak up and share my observations, to say the truth. Because, I, at long last understand how frustrating it is to be given feedback in an untimely manner. So fascinating, how we can be taught something over and over again, but it isn't until it happens that we truly learn!


Second life lesson of the day, is to be mindful of how I communicate with others.  Does this happen with a lot of people? Thinking of things, such as appreciations or excitement, maybe to the point of feeling like it has been expressed either verbally or through body language, only to then find out that people have begun to feel that you are a) apathetic, b) indifferent or c) don't care a wild hare? Well, that was another thing revealed to me today. I don't even know what to think. But I suppose it is time to focus on this matter, and to begin to develop better intentions with my interactions. Namely, to embrace those around me with more thought and focus, and express my emotions more outwardly when the time calls for it. To be more genuine and sincere with my actions, especially to those who may not know me on a more personal level. Truthfully, it hurt to hear that I am thought to be indifferent and without concern, because I feel like I lead with heart and dedication with everything that I do.  But it is something to consider, and really, it is my hope that the people I interact with, whether they be strangers or good friends, know that I do care. I am interested, invested and happy to be in your company. So, with this now in mind, my goal is to move forward showing more appreciation towards others. This will be seen by expressing more often my thanks, and letting others know that what they do/ who they are matters to me. In turn, I hope this may open up new dialogues, more rapport and trust, (in particular with those I work with), as I feel like it is very easy to get stuck in those first-impressions then lost in the misconceptions.


 I am sorry that all of these observations did not get to me earlier, but I suppose sometimes each of us just need to give thanks to the gifts of feedback we are given.  Personally, this at least offers me something to work on, to be more aware/thoughtful of, and to walk forward knowing that the responsibility is now in my hands.  I am starting to better understand the lessons behind the teachings.  Let us open the floodgates of conversation.  It's high time we start talking.