"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready.  The challenge will not wait. ...Time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny."

-Paulo Coelho

Driving down the open road, music streaming through the stereo, a song comes on and I can't help but to turn it up, as my left foot begins to tap on the floor, shoulders dancing. The artist begins to sing, and I join along. Not just a gentle hum, but full on belt, sometimes using my fist as a microphone. As the song finishes, I yelp, whoop and holler.  I feel the wildness, the joy and freedom that the road has given me. Behind me is the the farm. As I get further away, I am filled with a lightness of being.  I never realized how much my time there had affected me.  I had become on edge and stressed, wound up like a tightly coiled snake, constricting the life and fire out of me. But wait, before opinions are formulated and we begin to walk down a path that I have no intention of setting, let me set the record straight. My experience over the past three months was one of gratitude...maybe something I can never put into words, but as the miles tick, and my mind reflects I realize it was a time of great testing. This whole past year in fact, was a journey. And the farm? Well, lets just say it was my final.

While hiking along the Camino, I experienced a great deal of amazing things, some hard, some fun, some scary, and some just bizarre. It was monumental in so many ways. Along the trail, I had time to think about my future, assess the things I want to work on, fix, repair, give and do.  What things I could let go of in my life? What things, places or people do I wish to nurture and put time into?  I learnt a lot about who I was, experienced days of great joy, only to then have days full of tears, loneliness and frustration. Oftentimes, having nowhere to turn but to myself to find the answers.  But each day I grew, and awoke ready for what the next adventures would hold. I felt open, excited for everything that surrounded me, what was in my present and what mysteries and surprises would come down the road.  At the end of my journey, I was tired, content but tired...so much had taken place. So many faces, places, languages, lessons that I had learnt and ones that would continue to reveal themselves over the course of a few days, months, or even my lifetime. Today, I am still learning. Somedays there are small reminders, who slip into my mind, propelling me back to a time and place on the trail. I close my eyes and enjoy the moment, a smile creeping across my face. How could I forget? Or even just to experience an 'Ah-ha' moment.  I made several decisions on the trail that I was not happy with, not seeing the gifts or blessings those choices brought. Only now, have I come to truly appreciate where the trail led me and the gifts that were a result: trusting and listening to my instincts, refusing to settle for less, and pushing my limits to see what I am capable of.  I carry these with me always, my little reminders. We can all do incredible things, and the only one to hold us back is ourselves.

Struggles came when I returned home. How do I go from a grand experience back to life? How can I talk to others about what happened out there? What could I say? Even to those who have been in similar situations, I couldn't find the words, and instead tucked my adventure in my back pocket. Adjusting was difficult, and I am not one who can easily open to talk about where I'm at, especially when I don't understand myself what I am experiencing.  This takes a toll on the relationships in my life. For who likes to see a loved one struggle?  Fall came, and I propelled myself back into life, ignoring the nagging voice in the back of my head that I wasn't looking after myself. That I was stretching myself too thin and wasn't taking the time to deal with where I was at.

Isn't it incredible how life sends us what we need? At first it is subtle. Do we notice? If not, then something very unsubtle lands in our lap and are then forced to see it and confront it, come what may. In my case, something very giant landed in the form of Green String Farm. The next three months would be one of the greatest challenges I have faced thus far in life, taking me as far away from myself as humanly possible and then eventually (and thankfully) returning me back to myself.

In life we have these moments in time where we take stock of where we're at: like a personal check in. How am I doing? What's good? What am I needing to work on? You know, those state of the union aspects that keep us all growing, developing, changing. Well say you compiled a list of all the things you wanted to work on. And then say, some person stole that list, and decided to challenge you, so that all those things that you wanted to work on, confronted you, maybe even all at once. The great test to see what you are made of. How would you fare?

 Here is my story.

First. Confrontation is not my strong suit. In fact, if it were a suit, it would be made of nothing, because in general, I would rather ignore the situation, close my eyes, cross my fingers and hope that whatever the problem was, it would "POOF" disappear, and then I could happily wipe my brow away and sigh a sigh of relief. But, be an outdoor instructor or any person really who wants to make things better, ignoring any situation never solves anything. Common sense no? If nothing else it creates further conflict. Well....of all my years of dodging, I decided sometime during my trip, that I would be courageous. That I would use my voice and stick up for myself, what I believed was right, and voice concerns as they aroused. But of course, being mindful of picking my battles. For really, we need to discern between when it is time to speak up, and when it is time to let it go. I was always in awe of one of my friends back in high school, who would stand up for others. I remember at times, watching this beautiful peaceful creature stand-up and fight, face turning red, hands trembling but staying firm, refusing to watch someone else get hurt. My hero....and I would ask myself if I would have that same courage to stick up for someone else when the time presented itself. Sometimes yes, other times no and have sat with those consequences and regrets with a heavy heart. Regardless, the farm offered many an opportunity to use that quiet little voice of mine. Problems with the house, problems with housemates, poor communication, untimely information, unreasonable expectations, weird stuff: a crackled voice soon became clear.  I found a way to start talking about what was going on.  I think in our day to day, we have become so accustomed to smoothing things over, that our voices become rusty, and soon confrontation becomes something scary, but it doesn't need to be. With practice, it becomes easier, and it isn't something about right or wrong or about hurting someone else. It is about expressing something that is affecting you, and that you want to do something about it, whether it is to understand, or make a change, or whatever it may be. Why? Because you care. Because, I care.

I once toyed with the idea of living with a small community of people, where space is shared. Careful what you wish for because I got to experience it first hand.  But lucky for me, it was only a 3 month stint and a valuable learning experience. I lived in a house shared with 11 other people. In one small space, this is a lot. We shared everything, lived together, worked together, ate together, slept almost together and with two toilets who had their own temperments, it was certainly a recipe for disaster.  We were a lucky crew....for who I lived with were all incredible people. We got along, shared experiences and grew together. But for those who need space to retreat to, this was not the place to be. I struggled greatly with this...as I am fairly independent by nature. I found there wasn't often a place I could go to find solace, feeling restless at the house as though obliged to always be doing something. This wore me out and took a heavy toll. I also struggled to make connections with many of the people in the house, finding that I was in a different place in my life, and that I was stretched thin socially. I craved downtime to rejuvenate. I craved connection and deep conversation, but I found none and wasn't always in a place to offer any of this to others. It would take me a long time to feel a connection where I was, and even longer before I would be able to open up and to give of myself.  Eventually, I did find a way to slow down, and look after myself.  There was a time half-way through my internship, where I considered quitting, but I knew that I was there for a greater purpose than just farming, something told me to stay. And so I stayed, and began to face all that I had been running from.  How, oh how, I wondered, did everything become so serious and intense? And how on earth have I landed myself in the middle of all this? This was not life, this was so far from who I am and it was time to get back. If you are unable to recognize yourself, you know it's time to do something about it. Seed planted. Something was changing.  I learnt how to love and see beauty even if it wasn't pretty every day. I learnt to laugh and find joy when life made me want to throw my hands up in dismay. I learnt how focus my energies on that which is positive. I found a way to uncoil.

What I am trying to say by all of this is that I have uncovered a new confidence within myself. Rather than to fear life or to cower behind the uncertainties and instead of carrying around the weights of the worlds, I found that I could put them down.  To know I can laugh at my own follies, or catch myself getting wound up, reminds me that the only one who makes life hard and serious is myself. It is important to stop and listen, to look at the bigger picture and know that everything is going to to be ok. In fact it is more than alright, because I'm alive. Maintain an openess for all that is around, to all people who are encountered, whether they are merely passing through or stay a long long time. To take a moment and be grateful for what is in my life. To count my blessings, because there are so many. I just have to stop and see them. I learnt how to speak up, I also learnt how open up with others. To share rather than to hide. For me it is not easy, I've always questioned if what I had to say was worth saying.  But to open up and begin by saying "hey, here's where I'm at..." and go from there, is about learning how to share a part of myself and discovering that my friends, family and loved ones are there, have always been there. This is how I was able to find my way, to let go and trust...while also being able to see and laugh at my white people problems, finally understanding that they aren't worth the stress. These can be put down at any time and I am free.

Now, miles from the farm, I am able to put into perspective my winter. How did I fare, I wonder? It was challenging but when I drove away I left knowing that everything was going to be alright.  There are no regrets. What lies ahead remains a mystery, but instead of wondering and worrying, I find myself content to be in the present, drinking in the moments while humming a merry little tune. I have a fiery spirit with a will like no other.  I know who I am and am learning how to be myself without apology, hesitation or doubt. Taking it one step at a time.

 Tomorrow, the road beckons me home.  Very soon my long journey will come to an end. Rest and repose? Oh yeah! Maple syrup making? Hell yes! Fiddle practice? Family beware, it's been awhile.  In the meantime, I am happy to say my days of owning a storage unit has met its demise. That darn storage unit!! (said with a twinkled eye and shaking fist)

It's good to be back!

An Autumn moment

Open milkweed, Short Hills Ontario; October 2011

Thanksgiving. That time of year when the leaves begin to change from the bold greens of the summer into the vibrant colours of the fall. The days grow shorter and everyone goes out to their gardens one final time to pick the last of the tomatoes, greens and other autumn delights before putting their gardens to bed before winter. There is a lot to give thanks for.  I look around me and see that life is beautiful in every part.  As I walked through the house, the smells of our traditional thanksgiving dinner cooking in the over, was filling the house and hallways. How familiar and welcome those smells are, reminding me how much I have come to love these moments with my family.  Every year, we sit down together, our table filled with vibrant colours and vegetables with mom's famous stuffed mushrooms and the enchanted broccoli forest. For dessert, pumpkin pie warmed with a nice wallop of vanilla ice cream.  The traditional dessert of autumn. In a few short weeks, outside the colours will all have turned on the trees, eventually dropping to the ground leaving the branches bare. We will gather the fallen leaves, making great piles to jump into, letting the wind sweep them across the yard.  This is the time of year to pull out the wooly sweaters, heat some apple cider and take a long meandering walk in the woods. Why not kick up leaves with your feet? Though we may be grown, there is still room to stay young at heart. I love to watch the leaves soar up and rearrange themselfs on the sidewalk behind me. With every step a delightful crunching.  It's time to soak up those last warm sunny autumn days and to come together with friends and family. Take stock.  Appreciate the change of the seasons.  Let the nostalgia of the days linger on.

Forest Trail in the Adirondacks, October 2011

Family Thanksgiving dinner, looking oddly like the last supper.
In a way, it is our last supper at the house here in Niagara.

An evening of friends

Tonight, was our third community dinner.
The month of March has been one of a whirlwind, so, on the fly this one was put together with less planning and fewer invitations. But the heart of the night remained.  A small gathering arrived, bearing food and drinks, while the night began to play out with flowing words.
I cannot even begin to say how much these dinners mean to me. The coming together of friends. Folks from all different walks of life, meeting, perhaps for the first time, and sharing their stories.  It is a continuous reaffirmation of the power of connection.  Tonights crowd was definitely smaller than the last, but it offered the opportunity to have those long and meaningful conversations, drawing out the heart of a person. The quick chat/questions ceased and instead came forth the experiences and sharing of something far greater. Peeling back the layers built around a person. Yes! says I, now seeing these beautiful people beyond acquaintance, in its place stands a friend. It warms my soul that in offering to others these evenings, new relationships are forged, stories are spilled, laughter is shared, as the night slowly slips by unnoticed.

April will be the last community dinner, that I shall host.  As I wind down from this evening, I am glad that there will be one more, as well as glad for the transitions to come.  But still my heart is heavy, for I have come to find home through these gatherings.  When I arrived in Bozeman this fall, I came with the mission of wanting to build community, of putting down roots, and feeling like I belonged somewhere.  I had no idea how I would form idea into something real, but given determination and a vision, any person can go far.  Today, I have begun to build that community, and have learnt that if you offer up your passions, and invite people in, they will come.  First just a few, but then with time, more will come, and your community grows. This has been such a great experience, that has certainly opened my eyes to the endless possibilities.  As I make my way back out into the world, I will carry with me those nurtured seeds.  I hope to continue bringing people together, sharing experiences, and creating the space for each of us to experience that feeling of connection with those around us.
The lessons found in creating community, are endless, and no matter time or place, this mission is dynamic. Constantly redefining what it means to be with another whether it be one, a group, or even masses.  How, I wonder is this done whilst traveling or simply passing through? Is it easier, or more challenging?  What does it take to build lasting relationships on the go? Next stop is living in a camp of treeplanters.  A community already, but also an opportunity to nurture new relationships, to get to the heart of what it means to live, work and play with a new family. Then onto an even greater stepping stone, of which I feel will expand the horizons of what it is that I wish to reach with my goals.  I think about the reasons to why I want to hike the camino. In some ways, I feel this journey is for greater discovery of my self, looking inside to find how I can give back and continue to nurture my seeds of hope for bringing new friends together.  To listen with my heart, and to never stop being curious.

....Sometimes, we need to shed some light in to the dark

Great news! 
The vanishing blog has returned.  Perhaps, it too needed to go on vacation. Maybe a little beach trip, to relax under a giant umbrella, and dip its toes into the salty ocean waters. Do blogs have toes? Regardless, it was a nice little surprise to see it sitting there as if it was I who had blundered and merely overlooked it. 


Lately, I feel, that this has been the case for oh-so-many things on this end. The overlooking of details that are right in front of me. Sometimes it takes the pointing out from another before we are able to see the obvious (or maybe the not so obvious). And lately, this is exactly what I have been experiencing. 

March has certainly been a month of learning to give back. Today, in particular, came great enlightenment in the form of a work review.  Ah reviews! Many things came into fruition from a 2 hour conversation. First, what I have come to appreciate, is the Outward Bound community and their commitment to open dialogue and feedback in a timely manner. Yes, it is true, outside of that OB community, this concept, pretty much falters into dust.  If I ever had any question as to what this means, today, I learnt. As I sat down with my manager, I heard for the first time since I began working at the restaurant, that my performance was mediocre, I wasn't quite doing my job properly, and that I walked very slow. I have to laugh at this, as not one person I work with have said that I am slow!  This doesn't perturb me at all, rather it fascinates my curiosity. Mostly, because I feel like I am rushing about the restaurant like a mad lady. (though granted, I must put in here, that I do know that I have my own pace about things. I think if I were ever to get a trail name, I maybe would find myself dubbed 'Turtle'.)  Oh! How I wish I was able to step outside of myself and see/understand from a different perspective. And then I wonder, why it is that no one could tell me this, as this could have been remedied in an instant. Five months later, and perhaps to the great frustration of many of my co-workers I am at last told.  How slow, I wonder, could I possibly be going and what am I being compared to?  As for my mediocre performance, this was a shock and made me feel pretty low.  I definitely took this aspect to heart, as for everything I do, I do with great heart and dedication.  Though the motions are now being put into place to re-train me on my jobs, I feel frustrated that it is only now that this information is being relayed to me! Right? If I am not doing my job correctly, why wait so long? Wouldn't it be more practical to voice up if there's an issue, such as not meeting expectations? That seems pretty important. Sigh. This was definitely a low moment for my week, but with every grey cloud there is a silver lining. This lining is to improve, and walk away from my job at the end of April, knowing that I did all I could to step up and excel. I am not okay with being titled 'mediocre'.  In all truth, this has been a monumental lesson in a roundabout way. I, too, tend to err on not speaking up. But after today and my great musings of this review, I have come to understand the importance of being courageous and shall begin to walk the talk.  Sure constructive feedback is hard to give, but how are any of us going to improve if we never know? So, today, I begin to give back. I begin to speak up and share my observations, to say the truth. Because, I, at long last understand how frustrating it is to be given feedback in an untimely manner. So fascinating, how we can be taught something over and over again, but it isn't until it happens that we truly learn!


Second life lesson of the day, is to be mindful of how I communicate with others.  Does this happen with a lot of people? Thinking of things, such as appreciations or excitement, maybe to the point of feeling like it has been expressed either verbally or through body language, only to then find out that people have begun to feel that you are a) apathetic, b) indifferent or c) don't care a wild hare? Well, that was another thing revealed to me today. I don't even know what to think. But I suppose it is time to focus on this matter, and to begin to develop better intentions with my interactions. Namely, to embrace those around me with more thought and focus, and express my emotions more outwardly when the time calls for it. To be more genuine and sincere with my actions, especially to those who may not know me on a more personal level. Truthfully, it hurt to hear that I am thought to be indifferent and without concern, because I feel like I lead with heart and dedication with everything that I do.  But it is something to consider, and really, it is my hope that the people I interact with, whether they be strangers or good friends, know that I do care. I am interested, invested and happy to be in your company. So, with this now in mind, my goal is to move forward showing more appreciation towards others. This will be seen by expressing more often my thanks, and letting others know that what they do/ who they are matters to me. In turn, I hope this may open up new dialogues, more rapport and trust, (in particular with those I work with), as I feel like it is very easy to get stuck in those first-impressions then lost in the misconceptions.


 I am sorry that all of these observations did not get to me earlier, but I suppose sometimes each of us just need to give thanks to the gifts of feedback we are given.  Personally, this at least offers me something to work on, to be more aware/thoughtful of, and to walk forward knowing that the responsibility is now in my hands.  I am starting to better understand the lessons behind the teachings.  Let us open the floodgates of conversation.  It's high time we start talking.

Making decisions

Life as of late seems to be stacking high with decisions. 

I'm not sure if I was always terrible at deciding upon things or if this has been a recent development since high school.  Of course concerning the past, the further back I go, the details become rather foggy. Needless to say, let's bring it all back to the present. The here and the now. 

In life, with everything we do decision-making is inevitable. Every moment of every day, we indeed make choices.  Sometimes we are aware of these choices, others they come from our sub-conscious. We don't even think of them, they just happen, though somewhere from inside us, we have made a choice.

Making decisions. Sigh.

Well, rather, let's take a look at this from a different perspective.  The future.  Another unavoidable subject.  It will come. 


Until scientists are able to invent the human-life remote where we may put life on hold, we shall continue moving forward, our footsteps like the minute hand ticking away on a clock. For as far back as memory will allow, I have been a non-planner planner. What will happen in six months, is as much a mystery as to the existence of giant squids. I've no idea. And yet the time has come where logistical planning seem to be oozing out of the woodwork.  What am I doing from now until summer? What will I be doing from summer until fall? What are my plans and ideas for fall into the winter? Where do I see myself in five years? (ok luckily, I don't yet have to deal with this last question! Phew!)

Not only have these questions been swimming in my own little head, but they seem to spill forth from those around me.  "Fern," they ask, "what are your plans? what are you doing? where are you going?" My answer is oftentimes the same response I offer my own querying mind. "I am not sure yet...but soon I will have an answer"(oftentimes, not said with the utmost of certainty).

I'm not sure. That may very well be my epitaph at this point of time. 

What makes decisions such a difficult task for so many people, myself included?  Why have I placed so much value on the outcomes?  Why oh why, was I given the strong qualities of stubbornness AND being methodical? That just seems unfair! I truly envy those, who are able to just decide like a snap to the fingers. There done.  What are your secrets? Share the decision-making love!

The way I see decisions,  is like the way a person puts together a jigsaw puzzle. There are all these little pieces, with hints of a larger picture waiting to be discovered.  The whole time, you're just looking for pieces, and their neighbouring pieces but never the whole.  (but then really, how can you do a puzzle when looking at the whole? It may very well be impossible).  That is where I currently am at.  In front of me is a bunch of puzzle pieces,  all laid out ready to be put together. I look at each of them. The pieces I have are part of the same puzzle but do not fit together. There are pieces missing.  Maybe they are in the box still, waiting for me to find them to piece together just one section of the scene at a time. 

Currently, the part of the puzzle that I am focused on is an image of a house. Where's the roof? Have you seen a piece with a door? Mirroring my own wonders, of whether it is my time to move onwards, or to stay.  Am I happy where I am?  Where do I wish to be? Do I chose to keep walking away from the house in search of the mountains and wildflowers, or has the smoke coming from the chimney called to welcome me home for rest and repose?  

These are the thoughts that swallow me. It is time to take a step back from the small pieces of the puzzle,  take a deep breathe and relax, maybe make a cup of tea to enjoy, and then take a look at the larger picture.  From there, clarity will come and I be able to look once again at the small pieces, gaining a better perspective of how it will all fit together.

Ever wonder what it takes to make a change? Any change really, whether it be from a small detail to the very large variety. As it turns out, an awful lot! This was the epiphany I had yesterday while out on a long walk. 


Radical change. 


It starts with an idea. One Person. A someone out there questioning why something is the way it is, or has become, and deciding "no, something should change". Something could be different.  Then, they set out to make that difference happen. No problem right? In theory no, but then you begin to put the change in motion and what you find is a challenge like no other!


For every one person out there wanting to move to the beat of another drum, there are thousands of others who are set to remain as is. Maybe even fearful.  Why is that I wonder? I feel that everywhere I look, there are signs saying in one way of another "change is good". But if change is so good, why then are we so resistant when it tries to weasel its way into our lives? 


Over the years, moving about, I have watched as the ideals of community have morphed and changed. These days, we are more focused on our television sets, or our computers as a means to socialize and be with people, rather than to host get-togethers, or invite company over and visit. I think about this often. For me, this is a change that I cannot embrace.  My hope and passion in life is to build community. To return to those olden day norms where the kitchen table was the principal place for gatherings, hours whiled away over nourishing, hearty foods and drinks, while sharing in ideas, dreams, laughter and above all the company of others. Doesn't it seem strange being a part of a community is no longer an essential part of our day to day meanderings?


Since moving out here to Bozeman, my goal has been to bring people in. To make friends, put down roots, and to get the elemental foundations in place in order to make a community.  What I have found, is that this is no easy task. The idea around quality time is a commitment, like a steep hill, that few are willing to climb, merely for the sake of what might be found while reaching the top. The unknown. We are held back by what we don't know, and it can be scary. But sometimes, it is taking that small step into the void that will illuminate those unknowns into something far greater than what we could ever expect. Let us not be afraid of all those unknowns.  This is the change that I want to create. To rebuild communities wherever I go. To shed some light and company into our ever growing isolation.  Isn't it strange that the closer we move to our neighbours, the farther away we actually are? Do you know who you live beside? 


Looking at history and our past, it is clear that any sort of change takes a lot of work.  One needs to be persistent, patient, and not flow into the grain, but continue to push against it. To not lose heart when the road gets tough, instead continue to rise up!  


In November, I hosted my first soup party, an idea that came from a dear friend of mine. For one small idea, of serving soup, tons of people from all wakes and walks of life, gathered in one small apartment looking for the nourishment that comes from being with others. We arrived as strangers,  but with warm soup in our bellies, we departed as friends, as the light filled our beings for being able to join in something beyond the self. So powerful! Humans have the capacity to ignite the darkest of moments with a kind word and curiosity. As I held my first gathering, there was a small handful of folks who came, and what I realized that night is that these gatherings have nothing to do with how many people attend.  Sure, maybe it was a small, but the evening was delightful, with great company and small enough to allow for those meaningful conversations to take place. What is important is to relish and appreciate those who do come to visit, and to make the most of that time. 


 One thing that I hope to take with me, is to make sure that no matter what I am doing, I am doing it for the right reasons. What are my motivations, and what do I want to achieve from this? I want to know fully and understand what it is that I am hoping to create by doing something.  All the while, continuing to keep coming up with new ways and opportunities to design a welcoming community. One way in doing so, is by opening my home and my heart to those around me. 


Next week, I will host my second community gathering, and am looking forward to spending another evening filled with friends. Ingredients will be bought to cook something scrumptious, invitations will be passed out and Thursday will come to share the evening with those who I have gotten to know over the past few months. 


As I wrap this up, I would like to say how impressive it is to know there are all these radicals out there in the world, who are fighting for what they believe in.  Those who are stepping up, whether they be voicing their passions or silently making a difference. My hat goes off to them!  The 'how' doesn't so much matter, what is important, is that there are folks out there who are wanting to do more in the world than just sit idly by. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is change. It takes time, courage and a strong person who is willing to keep going, no matter if they are supported or not. Isn't that incredible? What makes these people who they are? What makes us, the rest of the world so afraid of changes? Of being open? Of questioning or speaking up? And can we embrace those fears with grace while taking a step forward into the unknown?

Building homes...

As the holiday season wound down, so came the time to pack up my bags, with jam jars in tow, hop into the car with my traveling companion Liz, and head on back to the West. With adventures awaiting, it is always a challenge to say good-bye. Familiar faces, places, long over-due visits and conversations, when will I return to this place and pick-up where we last left off?  I bid adieu to a different type of home, my family.


A short stop was made, to our family farm in Burks Falls.  I write about this, because, I realize with time how much I desire a simple life.  The farm, a five to ten year retirement plan for my folks, has become  a weekend home, a retreat from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Going up there, whether it be for an overnight, or longer, one can't help but to shed all the busyness off before going through the front door.  Inside, awaits a woodstove, with inviting chairs that seem to beckon without having to do anything except be there. I have not been to the farm since the early spring, and after a long fall and toilsome start to winter, it was a welcome to plop down in front of the fire and release a huge heavy-laden sigh.


What is it about our "retreats" that can make us relax, let down our shoulders and feel completely satisfied with just being?  And why is it that we do not often create this same feeling, in our "regular" homes? Wouldn't it be nice to experience a rustic-escape experience everyday? A place, or haven to  just be still. There wouldn't be the need to worry about what is going on outside the doorstep, or to feel the overwhelming urge to be out shopping with the masses. I wonder, is it the home that creates a feeling of whether we choose to be out, or in? The furniture? Maybe the energy that is poured into the space?  The location? Or is it the way we label place that truly generates the feeling of a space?


In the fall, I undertook the arduous process of looking for a home. Not just a house, but a home. Something that invites a person in. A place that was loved. It took almost a month of searching high and low, through the worst to the best. During this time, what came to mind, is today's architecture -vs- the architecture from days of old. Why oh why, have we lost touch with the same quality and heart that was once so prominent in old houses? It's sad to think that these beautifully built homes are slowly becoming more and more obsolete, and yet the ones that still stand, are so highly desired.  Why not bring back and build these one-of-a-kind homes once again? We need a house revolution!


 I think about my little house here in Bozeman. It is cheery, bright and welcoming. Created in 1909, it still maintains much of it's original character, with a landlord who is dedicated to making sure it remains so. It is apparent that this house is loved.  As my dear roommate and I began to fill our new home, thoughts kept pouring in.  I wondered how I could help create a space to come home to where, shoulders would drop, visitors would feel at home, and more importantly, where one is happy to linger. A home should be filled with love and warmth. Smells of home cooked meals filling each room, as we unwind from our long wonderful days in the great world around us. What is important? What is it that we need, in order to bring life and love into our space? What can we do without?  Why not fill a place with the essentials, creating a feeling that is warm and inviting, and to share that space with friends, family and loved ones, letting the conversations begin to unravel?  A house filled with laughter is a merry welcome and something that no trinket could ever replace.


Let us all begin to bring people in, to build our communities with what we have, while taking our own ideals of home, and turning them into reality. And as we begin to build our own homes, in turn, we too are building a shelter for others.

It all starts with a simple seed...

Life is beautiful!  


It is also short, sweet and full of mystery. Every day lies the opportunities to live fully, lightly and connect to our surroundings. 


Lately, I have been feeling as though I am stuck inside.  Not just inside a place, but also inside my head, lost in thoughts or dreams of what could be.  Over the course of the past few months, I have become more reflective, wondering, why so much thinking and so little doing? If I am always in my head planning, am I missing out on the point of living? Why not now? Why not dig in?  Enough thinking, it's time to live.


This is my challenge.


I don't want to watch life streak by, while I simply THINK about all the things I wish I could do. I want to make them happen. It's time to follow through with all the "I wants" that seem to spill forth from my mouth on a regular basis. No longer do I care to write list after list of all the projects, places, people, things I want to see, meet, do, explore, create....why not open the door and walk through?


This blog is my sounding post. My way of documenting the wants and wishes, passions and ideas, while taking those first steps to put them into action. From the simple, hemming my sleeve on my jacket, to the ambitiously large, hiking the camino, I am ready to make them all happen. 


For the next year, I will live intentionally, preparing, writing, planning and living my ideas, hopes and dreams. I will not only write about the experiences, share my thoughts, lessons, but also on occasion, put up pictures, and who knows what else will come out of this head of mine? What I hope I get out of this: an experience to live as I dream, to open doors into new directions, to no longer talk about how I wish I could do something, but instead share with others the stories that have come from the doing, the lessons, the experiences, the trials and the tribulations that each adventure brings. To create purpose and believe, that any dream, any idea is possible, it just needs a little follow through. 


And if not to kick start the whole project off with a bang, I will begin with the list of things that I intend to make happen over the course of the year: (these are by no means in any particular order)


1. Hike the Camino in Spain (idea since 2004)
2. Finish my quilt (began in 2006)
3. Make peach jam, preserves and pies (peaches gathered (and frozen) since August 2010)
4. Design, Sew and Wear winter coat (idea since 2008)
5. Get a table at the Bozeman Winters Farmers Market at least twice this winter (idea fall 2010)
6. Go running (the amount of times this statement makes it on my to do list, crosses my mind, and is talked about without ever actually going... is ridiculous)
7. Better yet, sign up for a 5k run of sorts, or create a fun 5k with friends....why pay money to run (unless its for a good cause)?
8. Garden, get a plot, plan the plot, plant the seeds, nurture it and watch how the garden grows
9. Host a monthly soup party, inviting friends for an evening of good conversations and hot bowl of soup
10. Keep Women's singing circle going twice a month, let it grow and continue to sing
11. Craft nights! Another community get-together where crafting is the name of the game. Learn new crafts, teach play
12. Do a big snow trek, rent a forest service cabin enjoying the views, sights and sounds of nature
13. Get out on skis or snowshoes on a more regular basis
14. Make use of my time in Bozeman, explore the area and the surrounding trails
15. Make the two baby cardigans I have planned, and then find purpose for the rest of the yarn in my basket, go to knit nights
16. Knit a hat for Kate before the end of January
17. Create an art show to put up in one of the Cafes around town
18. Play fiddle in a public place...in front of ....people! (this may be near the end of the year)
19. Volunteer at an outdoor education centre
20. Be courageous


....to name a but a few.


The seeds have been planted, time to let them grow!